Difficult Conversations with Parents
It’s not exactly heart-wrenching, but rather quite speechless.
When it comes to choosing a job after graduation, they want me to take the postgraduate entrance exam.
Just started working, and every phone call is about taking the civil service exam (what should I do in this situation when they constantly say they want to keep in touch?)
During my gap year (without asking my parents for a single penny), they still criticize me every day.
Overall, I feel like I am their personal property, the one they brought into this world. Is it not according to their wishes?
Damn! So once I grow wings and become independent, I am no longer obedient? How much can one tolerate?
And then they start meddling and trying to change your life:
- They use their power and brainwash you (it started when you were little, now they just need to flip the switch).
They come up with unfounded claims like “The ruler wants the subject to die; the subject has no choice but to die. The father wants the son to perish; the son has no choice but to perish.”
They take things out of context, saying “While the parents are alive, do not go far away” (traveling must have a direction).
They always emphasize filial piety above all else.
…
PS: Have they read “1984”? My knowledge is limited…
But you might have been influenced by Western egalitarian ideas and have read works such as Rousseau’s “Discourse on the Origin of Inequality,” Russell’s “A History of Western Philosophy,” Thoreau’s “Walden,” and other great works.
You have pursued independent thinking and don’t conform to the old ways of Confucianism and Mencius.
No worries:
- They try to use material means to manipulate you.
Common tactics include offering full payment, down payment, and arranging a job, etc.
According to “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion,” give the other person a small favor, so that they don’t feel indebted to you, and thus you can gain a bigger favor.
In other words, “if someone speaks softly, be soft-handed with them.”
But you might have already read Krishnamurti’s “Things That Matter in Life,” Laozi’s “Tao Te Ching,” “The Power of Now,” and others.
You understand that one should liberate themselves in life and pursue inner tranquility.
Furthermore, you have the ability to take care of yourself and live well without relying on these things.
Hey, I’m financially independent now, so they can’t do much, right?
No worries, there’s still this:
- They employ the strategy of pretending to sacrifice.
Even if you’re incredibly capable, at the end of the day, we are not plants or trees, who can be without feelings. Blood is thicker than water.
They try to manipulate you with family bonds.
“We live our lives for you,” “Don’t blame your parents, they have already given you the best.”
Oh, do you think the “best” they gave is what I wanted?
“We’ve done all this for you, can you repay us?”
O__O”…
Where does this bitter feeling come from? (It was mentioned in “The Road Less Traveled” that some parents possess a deep sacrificial spirit, dismayed)
“We are your parents, and of course we care about you.”
Come on, that’s clearly about trying to control others, what kind of caring is that??
PS: This issue also exists between romantic partners.
The language used above is somewhat intense.
In fact, the generation of our parents (they were young once as well) has largely become victims of a lack of education in a big cultural environment.
They have a black-and-white way of thinking, follow the crowd, and lack the ability to think independently.
This led to their unawareness of the inappropriateness of their thoughts, attitudes, and tone.
Ignoring objective facts, they stubbornly believe they are always right. After all, they have more experience than we do. They have an air of “what I say is universal truth,” and reasoning with them is futile.
As children, we know it’s not their fault, but it’s still disheartening to hear them speak that way.
The best approach (that I can think of now) may be to conform, tell some “well-intentioned lies” to make them happy. But when it comes to big matters, you can’t cover them up with lies forever, conflicts are inevitable.
Due to their age, it’s nearly impossible for the elderly to be exposed to new ideas. Demanding a change from the previous generation is unrealistic.
However, we can focus on the next generation - I wonder if everyone realizes that our generation will also become parents soon.
So we can ask questions like: “How to communicate with parents,” “How to avoid angering parents,” “What are some ways to make ourselves believe that our parents’ advice is correct,” “How to be an obedient child,” “My parents don’t want me to take the civil service exam/enter postgraduate studies/PhD/postdoc or stay in my hometown, how do I convince them?”
And subtly remind them to check out Zhihu (a Chinese question-and-answer website).
Translated by gpt-3.5-turbo